Midlife Crisis and New Beginnings

For those of you who’ve known me for a long time, might’ve noticed my rare appearance on social media last several years. Yes, I did make this creature, but most of the silence was due to a midlife crisis,(aka awakening) both professional and personal. It is important to keep silent and internal through those times and makes a lot more sense to share about it when the light at the end of the tunnel is right above one’s head. I’m ready to share honest, deep, intimate stories of my journey to a newly discovered self. My career as a pianist might have seemed like a very fulfilling and a busy one, I always innovated creative outputs In presenting classical music. I even taught myself how to enjoy the ups and downs of the music industry. However, there was a feeling of nagging deep inside my soul, a craving for more expression, more personal voice to come through the music of long ago dead composers. I knew I wanted to do more, say more, create more deeply. And I had no idea how. Few years ago I was playing Schumann concerto with a great orchestra and suddenly I had a major memory slip. I couldn’t catch myself and stopped with a blank brain. The conductor stopped the orchestra. First time in my life. The world froze around me. The floor spun underneath me and everything turned black. This level of shock and embarrassment was new to me and I had no idea how to handle it. We managed to restart the concerto and finished it to grand applause, none of which I remember. I bowed with an automatic smile and walked off stage to burst into tears. Why on Earth do we do this to ourselves? Why do we go through endless hours of preparation, sacrifice, dedication in order to please our audience with some beauty? Love of music? Meaning in life? Purpose? Gifts? Responsibility to a society and culture? All this stress and then one note messes it all up! And I didn’t get paid for that concert either. Those were the thoughts in my head as I felt sorry for myself. And I vowed to never return to the stage. I had to heal myself not only from that one unfortunate event, but from a major question I had about the validity of this career and its necessity. I hit the lowest time of my life, time of doubt, time of questioning. Time of healing and reconsideration. Time of deep internal search to apply my passion, dedication and commitment to this world in the best and most meaningful way. I thank that day of the “failed” concert as a jumpstart of the most intense personal development I could have ever imagined. It was The Universe’s gift to me, a force that made me finally stop in the tracks that was automatic and think creatively. I stopped playing the piano to some degree and gave myself time to be naked, without my pianist identity, without being praised for being a “Concert Pianist”! I rid myself of my biggest accomplishment so that I can find who was underneath all of those clothes. What I’ve gone through next four years was the most difficult and yet rewarding time of my life. I look forward to sharing with you my experiences through this turbulent time and what I have discovered and who I have become.